The power of knowing what you want
Almost 20 years ago, I decided I needed to go back to school. Literally.
My undergraduate degree was in Chemical Engineering — big on math and chemistry, but literature, not so much.
Having started to take writing classes at the time, I realized I was woefully under-read. And this bothered me — a lot.
So much so, that I began researching truncated Master’s programs that would round out my education in the way I desired, and further, do so in a place I wanted to live (read: abroad).
I found that one-year program at Goldsmiths, University of London — “20th Century Literature & Its Contexts” — in, yes, London.
Once I landed on this, I was committed.
I tracked down my undergraduate transcript from the University of Toronto, wrote a decent essay, got the requisite recommendation letters, and amazingly (to me) I was accepted.
I figured out the student visa and what to do with my living situation and belongings. I found a place to live (sight unseen). And I jetted off to London.
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What it looked like.
The program was designed with two semesters of coursework followed by a third dedicated to writing a dissertation.
Needless to say, there was a tremendous amount of reading to be done — literature and philosophy — and essays to write.
I was challenged by both, not being the quickest of readers and not having ever written a college-level essay (oy).
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On going on instinct.
For my dissertation topic, I landed on “The Structure of Desire in Philip Roth’s American Pastoral and The Human Stain.”
I’m not sure the British school was thrilled that I chose to focus on an American author, but there was a professor who had written on Roth and was able to advise me, and I knew there was something here.
I read everything Roth — specifically his “Zuckerman novels.” Zuckerman being Nathan Zuckerman, or the character whom most critics took as a surrogate for Roth.
What I found in reading through them, in order, was that Zuckerman started out as a vibrant, sexually promiscuous, overly desiring male, and slowly that desire began to recede. And as it did, so did Zuckerman’s centrality in the story being told.
By the time I got to American Pastoral and The Human Stain, he had faded into the background, and the stories were focused on other characters — The Swede and Coleman Silk, respectively.
After countless hours spent in the library studying contemporary French philosophy and literary theory, a key component of my thesis was this — as Nathan Zuckerman’s desire faded, as his only desire evolved to be a desire to escape desire — he receded from the narrative, from life.
But this was not sustainable. At some point, he became lonely and was drawn back into “the entanglement of life.”
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My lessons.
Having identified what I wanted and being fueled by the energy of passion, I was able to figure out how to make it happen. I accomplished what I set my mind to. Looking back, I’m actually kind of amazed.
But there is a “but,” and a difficult lesson that I’ve only come to recognize in the last few years.
It’s this. Since that time almost two decades ago, having made some less-than-wise choices and having a couple of hard knocks from life, I lost that knowing and slowly shrunk my desires.
And, in that process, I kind of disappeared.
It was by remembering what I already knew — what I spent four months researching and writing — that I came to see what I had done in my own life (the realization was actually shocking to me).
And with that awareness, I realized I had a choice. I could choose to want again, in fact, I needed to want and have desires to be a vital force in my life and my work.
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The takeaway.
If there is any part of you that has the niggling sense that you’re not admitting to anyone, especially yourself, what you really want, what you truly desire, or if life has kicked you one too many times, take this as your wake-up call.
Accepting the call, that’s when the real engagement and growth begin.
And, if you’re struggling to identify what you want, look to envy as your guide — that person who has or is doing the thing that annoys you … big time.
There is a reason they do. And if you dig below your surface reaction, you’ll see them as your guidepost rather than your nemesis.
Don’t fade from your own life. Don’t waste time.
Life is short.
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If this resonates and you’re ready to invest to bring your wants into the world, book a time for us to meet. I’d love to help.
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